My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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