my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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