Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
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