I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
