I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
i think i scared a bird with my dick
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
