tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
