Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
this boner is exhausting
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
