How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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