the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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