how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
