I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
