i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
