final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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