I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
