What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
