U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
