We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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