ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
