my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
