$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
