She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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