i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
