Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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