I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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