you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
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