drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
