I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
