What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
