Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Randomize
