I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
