I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
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