turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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