Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
