Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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