Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Dignity is for republicans.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
