Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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