I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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