Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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