I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
my phone needs a breathalizer
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
