There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
