Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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