did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
