I never want to see another naked old woman again.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Randomize
