VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
