I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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