It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
