I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Randomize
