There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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