I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Randomize