just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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