I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
